"How Bout-cha, Happy Days!?"

When you are in the middle of the ocean on a drilling rig, working 12 hour shifts in front of a computer screen, surrounded only by... drilling rig workers - your standards for entertainment go WAY down.

One of the things out here that has always kept me amused was the intercom system and the users of that system. The intercom is how everyone on the rig communicates with ohers. Let's say for example, you are in the mess hall and you want to ask the crane operator if they have moved your equipment yet. You would simply grab the nearest intercom phone, press the button on the handset and say "Pick up crane operator!" before releasing the button and waiting for the crane operator to pick up the phone nearest him. The button is only pressed when you want to speak out loud to everyone on the rig. This can be heard everywhere and its often very loud. Let me repeat that, THE BUTTON IS ONLY PRESSED WHEN YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO EVERYONE ON THE RIG. We'll come back to the importance of that later.

Now, when you do want to get someone on the line, the above phrase "Pick up crane operator," is sort of flexible but you gotta know the rules before you go switching it up.

For instance:

"Pick up Ricky, Crane Operator" - Acceptable

"Pick up Ricky" - Acceptable (assuming there is only one Ricky on the rig)

"One time, Ricky" - Acceptable

"Talk to me, Ricky" - Acceptable (but you better know Ricky pretty well before you go telling him to talk to you)

"Can Ricky the Crane Operator pick up?" - UNACCEPTABLE

"Could somebody tell Ricky the Crane Operator to call Judd the MWD?" - ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE and could possible get you run off.

There is, however, one deviation of the phrase that is used just as frequently as the original and that is: "How bout-cha Ricky?"

Apparently 'How bout-cha' translates to 'Pick up the phone' when your offshore in the Gulf Coast area.

And all of that isn't the part that entertains me, those are just the ground rules.

The entertainment comes when you have extremely inaudible calls out loud for the whole rig left wondering what the heck was just said. This occurs when you have:
A. A bad intercom system
B. A person (or several persons) whose dialect is so bad that you can't understand them in person much less on an intercom (think of the assistant coach on Waterboy with a megaphone)
C. A combinaction of both A and B

When things like "Wheaa...donna...paw...thue...pusha Dan, pickup!" suddenly burst through the silence of our computer shack it sometimes takes everything you have not to spit your coffee all over the keyboard.

The best is when a caller says outloud, "Pick Up (Insert name)!" Then, whoever he is calling does indeed pick up and listens to the callers question (which we can't hear because the caller has released the intercom button like he is supposed to). But then, the guy who received the call decides to press the button when he answers the question. This provides the entire rig with his answer instead of simply the original caller. This has the potential of being one of the funniest things you've ever heard in your life. You are used to hearing short, loud 'pick up so and so' phrases all day- so imagine all of a sudden one of them is followed by "Ah, no sir! I done left'em sitting right over there by them pipe racks. You NEED to ask Ray-Ray where they at- he used em last!"

It's also fun to try to keep up with the names and nicknames on various rigs. In the past I've worked with some classic intercom names:
-Bub
-Ricky The Roustabout
-Bubba
-Gator, Gator Crane Operator
-Bubbie
-and a past favorite of mine- O'Malley in the Galley

I couldn't make this stuff up!

On this particular job we have more nicknames than usual...
I'm happy to let you know that 'Hooter The Motor Man' is out here with us!
'Mighty Mouse', 'Bumpy on the Pits' and 'Shotgun' are also working hard out here.
And up in the drillers shack we have none other than 'Happy Days'.

Gotta love the offshore intercom.